Impossible
I'mpossible
I'mpossible
I'mpossible
♥

so yesterday was spent at STOMP. All work lead to this day, this moment, these 3 minutes on stage. I got what I hoped to achieve--that is, having the strength and ability within myself to perform st STOMP. This was all reflected in my mood after the performance was over, I was alot more confident, outspoken, happy, hyper for the rest of the day.
- We arrived @Queen Elizabeth Theatre at 9AM and left @ around 6PM. Afterwards, we had a little picnic w/ the food we brang and took pictures. Next, we walked over to lakeshore and chilled for a bit (some were sockfooted!). Next, we headed to Dundas West stn for Mickey Dee's lol these fatasses! Lastly, we went home...bused w/ Jp, Momo, Jenn, Andres and Edri (: as we made hearts!
- cheered/accompanied some friends, made me happy to put a smile on their face w/ y randomness (:
Never had such a spontaneous and beautiful chillage for a long while--we needed this. Evertyhing happens for a reason. I'm always here for you bro, I hope you know that.

I can't even bare to see you smile
Now a days I can't look in your eyes
Well I can but it takes a while
Does it show
Told a lot of white lies to hide it all
They're beginning to break me down
Though I promise it's over now

[Chorus]
I'm gone I don't blame you at all
Cuz after all the things you did for me
Got beaten by temption
I'm gone

^she knows who I'm talkin bout.

It is necessary at times to give up one's own guilty pleasures for the better life of those you love. We had our ting last year and we enjoyed ourselves, but it's my mom's turn, and my godchild's turn for the spotlight. I really do not want to add to the problems and the struggles, and this way I can help through something that is in my control. There are things that are not in my control that need attention like the fact I have to go to summer school, our debut next year, my mom's party this year, the baptism of my godchild...all things that are more important than the need to celebrate our birthday this year. I want to get a job, more importantly to help out at home. I will save up what I make just to be of atleast SOME help in the future. Because atm, I just feel useless and of no help because all I can do is watch things happen. Another exmaple of small sacrifices is me simply choosing not to go on a trip that all my friends are going to, just so I don't miss school. I don't feel the need to spend my day somewhere in which my presence is not necessary--whereas at school, I am falling behind. I sacrificed hours of time supposedly spent for homework, at dance practise. I just miss too much school, and I need as much time as I can get to have my work done. I'm sick of falling behind. In addition, going to ryc, an event I really wanted to go to even though I'm going to STOMP. But with the cost, and the fact that my presence there isn't as important as doing what I've been working hard to do this whole time. I don't know about you guys, but I cannot just let something I have just committed to, slip away. You can't always "pick and choose" , so take things as they come and embrace it. I just need to prioritize and balance the things I need to get done in my life...and if it means sacrificing some things--I will.

Also, today my dad suddenly informed us that someone's coming over to pick up the van--and take it away forever. Yeah I know it's just a van, but it holds almost as much memories as our old house. We've just had it for soo long and it has taken us where we needed to go. But now it can no longer do such jobs, so it's goodbye--forever :'(. 20+ years, it's hard to give up something that you've known for so long, a part of your past that you can't even help but tear up at the thought of seeing it go away. We're growing up and things are changing, our paths and what will get us there. We must continue to move forward, but never forget what brought us there (whether it be metaphorically or physically)

Feelin' good again, despite my "almost-falling-asleep-in-class" state. Afterschool, Jenn, Melvin and I went to the park to loaft for a while till dance practise. It was fun, then took that hefty walk to practise. On the way, we passed by "an ambulnce scene", for lack of a better word. Something happened to someone on the TTC...it seemed (N). I kept telling Melvin and Jenn that I felt bad for passing through as the police men, ambulance men etc. were on the side walk. But ofcourse with no way else to go...we did. So yeah today was a fun/successful dance practise (Y). Then came home, ate dinner, and tried to do my homework @9PM when like 5+ of kuya's friends were downstairs blasting/watching a scary filipino movie -.-

1. C'mon guys, we can make this happen--to yee of little faith!

2. Everything happens for a reason. You have become a soul sister to me over the past week. Day after day we have these "realtalks" and I feel you know like everything about me now, my true feelings about alot of things. I feel that I can talk to you about anything, cuz you get me..and I don't feel like hiding secrets. Things that I don't even tell other friends...I've told you over the past week, to the extent that after something is mentioned, we can look at eachother, and know what the other is thinking. I think I've just made a genuine friend--wuddup soulsistah! ♥

3. "You tend to draw out the talent in others." - Fortune Cookie from Pho (:
"You do!", replies my friend after I read it out
We ate there after hours spent practising dance w/ no food!

4. I really do not want to allow myself to fall the same way as I did before. I just made this big deal about my change of feelings and moving on, yet I second guessed my feelings today--just a bit. Well sorry that I just want to be a good friend, despite our past. "But it's not your responsibility" "Yeah, but I just find it sad knowing that I recognize them, and KNOW I can try to help, but just choose not to (N)" Why can't we find a nice medium, where we can just be friends. ATM, it all seems too complicated, that I just feel that I must back off because it's the only way I can get over the past. If our friendship is meant to be, and we will make a true effect on eachother's lives...God will find a way to bring us closer when the time is right.

Is this honestly what it takes for me to get over this "ting" for you? W.E. seeerriously, today I truly hated your personality. I know that may be extreme, but you were surely proving my expectations wrong. Expectations based on how I saw you, how we were together, as you revealed your down-to-earth, chill, real genuine side. I am not saying that you aren't, because I have witnessed those qualities in you, I have just witnessed a flaw aswell. You are not a horrible guy, but I did see this attitude from you, that I can't stand. Sometimes you're too immature, too mature, too quite, too loud, rude...and based on today, someone whom I can totally argue with. I may seem like a bitch right now, and maybe a hypocrite, but I just hated the negative vibes you gave off, and your lack of positive motivation. It came to my surprise that you felt that way, and what a shame. I don't hate you, because hate is a strong word, BUT I can strongly say that after your actions and words today, I am not attracted to you. You are just--YOU, and I don't care what you think of me anymore. I've learned to stop my hope for anything more, I've accepted reality--we're barely friends.

(8) See I don't care
No I don't care
'Cause you don't care
So I don't care anymore

[chorus]
It was easy
Easy to love me
But you didn't even want to try
So it was easy
Easy to leave you

Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye (8)

p.s - a kiss is not JUST a kiss--fyi! -.- Clearly I figured out you felt that it was, too late.

1. For a while, I have put an effort in giving up on you. Yes, I can just be stubborn, or just plain wise--who knows. But I broke that effort, by talking to you yesterday. But to my surprise I can now say it was not what I expected, it was a short conversation and I literally only got to say what I wanted to say; which was that I may take summer school in your school. Then the convo was over and you were gone. But I now realize that it was okay, because if you hadn't left, I probably would have continued to feel the NEED to get more out of our friendship (the constant story of our past). So I'm good, and I choose NOT to go to your school. Just to prove to myself that I'm no longer putting the effort in, I mean why bother (so I've learned)? Instead, My friend and I can attend a school that is the same distance as your school, but the point is, that IT IS NOT. I need closure. I need to get away, and I need to stop finding reasons to go against my decisions, gotta stop tryna find those loop holes. Because when you try to find something (reasons or flaws) in a person or a relationship, you will find them. So at the instant that I saw your school name listed, I jumped at the opportunity, and convinced myself that it was a legit-enough reason to break my promise/motive. Though you told me to "get at you" I won't, yenno why? because I always do...why don't you get at me for a change? - This realization covers up my surrendering to my challenge last night. Believe it or not, I am excited for and have accepted that fact that I have to go to summerschool. It's a new experience and I will interact w/ more ppl from this new area, which can only make this summer more exciting. Also, leaving my dependance on YOU being the friend I want to spend time w/ this summer...b/c too little too late, a year or so has gone by...and barely anything has changed, so what will motivate me to wait any longer? "Happily ever after" were your words exactly, which would happen once my house could be located (supposed to mean chillages or something?) by you. Recently, it's on the map, and I COULD tell you, and test that "happily ever after", but what difference would it make, I just feel that you may not live up to my expectations. One day I may, but for now...I rather not. Prove that I have totally lost my dependance on you, before letting you back in. I need to prove to myslef that I can talk to you w/o getting back on the same train to unreturned attachment. It's my vulnerability to your words -.-
1.2. Though you do run through my mind as the face to the desire...I am also letting go of you at the same time. I'm finding less interest in you, hoping that what you write is about me when I KNOW IT'S NOT. I'm proud of myself of that. The day will come when I can put those feelings behind because I've got someone genuine for my own.

2.I have been on this rollercoaster of feelings and situations that I had to face to be where I am today. It was not easy, but recently I have found myself adapting to the changes in my environment--I mean, that is the only way I can grow. I can see my hard work paying off, and I can see the positive changes that are rising to the surface. I am definitely excited for the months to come > STOMP, summerschool, part-time job.

Ultimately, I am heading in the right direction, and I am definitely proud! ;D
Take this sinking boat and point it home (8)

Today was anice day actually, a loong, but nice day. Loafted @ school, then walked to dance w/ Jenn. F'reaal everything happens for a reason. The circumstances and situations that we are now facing, happened for a reason. If it didn't happen the way it did, how would I be able to prove to myself of my intentions, and how would I get the opportunity to grow on my own. Simply said, I wouldn't. So currently I've been tired but at the same time I've been exicted about what is to come. I believe in myself, and through the smile on my face I'm sure you can tell :P

"There are not problems...there are situations to correct." - Tre Armstrong
Believe to Achieve

I'm up there, now I just gotta accept that I am. I'm there, just gotta BELIEVE IT--take it in, embrace it. Currently I think that's my only issue, insecurity, doubt...my own confidence.

"It's not like multiplying two negatives to get a positive, it's just making things crappy..."

Sometimes it's better when things aren't perfect, at least then, you know they're real.

It was easy, easy to love me
but you didn’t wanna try
It was easy, easy to leave you
goodbye, goodbye, goodbye (8)

It's the thought of you that makes me go nuts...
Making myself believe that it's not personal, I'm just putting a face to my desire. The desire is not for you, but the capability to feel that way with someone--at least for a while.

It was easy I guess,
You left as easy as you came.
(Shoulda known it wouldn't of lasted)

Finished my book, FINALLY. OMFG fave book so far! I want my own Patch (: for once I actually fell in love w/ a character in a book. And now, Johna owes me a birthday lunch (:
"Right then, I wanted to go back in time and relieve every moment with him. One more secret smile, one more shared laugh. One more electric kiss. Finding him was like finding someone I didn't know i was searching for. He'd come to my life too late, and now was leaving too soon. I remembered him telling me he'd give up everything for me. He already had. He'd given up a human body of his own so I could live." - Patch ♥

Tutored a friend today. Frankly, never tutored someone before, but he asked...and I could not deny it. I helped as much as I could, and it feels good.

"BUN HIM"
"Don't worry, I did from time.."
- bun the guys that won't pay attention, why should we go chasing? When it comes, it'll be worth the wait. Trust.

1) If you put no effort to get to know me, why should I put an effort to get to know you? :\ I expected that knowing the truth would make things easier--feelings easier; when in fact knowing the truth made it harder--harder to move on. Undecided.

2) Am I being "uptight" or am I right to push myself away. My sister thinks that sometimes you just have to let go; yet you may by building a wall between you and what might be good for you. Undecided.

3) Why the very thing I was looking forward to--ruin my day. How can it suddenly bring such frustration, memories...AHH! I hate this. How do I rid myself of this feeling. Undecided

4) You're inspiring, you really are. But am I wrong to compare myself to you--using you as my strive to keep working at it? Well I thought that was good(admiring)--much better than envying you right? Am I just setting myself up for a greater fall? High expectations--giving you motivation to get there? Or setting yourself up for a bigger disappointment? But w/o the positive goal, there would be no work, no possibility for success. And a possibility for success is better than it being out of the picture entirely. Undecided.

get lost in the clouds--daydream