Don't know what to think of this.
Don't know what I want, and what I don't.
Just here holding my pencil and contemplating what to write.
Don't know how to play it safe, how to express how I feel now without sending mixed signals.
You leave me speechless.
Is it because I want to make sure I don't give you the wrong idea? I care to much about what others think? or is my "crush" towards you causing me to feel ways I haven't felt before?
Who knows.

I think that I am warming up to the idea of liking you.

I think I want to see you, not just expect to.
I've been treated this way before, and I've realised that I don't know what I've got till it's gone. Unfortunately, truth be told...when I am no longer "cared for" in the same way I start to feel dropped, abandoned, not good enough. So, I may be looking at this at the wrong angle. I may be seeing this as "just like before...starts the same, ends the same" when it may differ. I can never be sure but for now all I am saying is that I am not denying the possibility that I have feelings for you. I'm not saying that THIS is the relationship that I hope can grow into something more, but I can see this being a crush. There is a difference you know. Because how can you really date someone who you cannot talk onthereals with...atleast for now. It's funny how I am saying all this, when I don't even know if you like me in that way. Not saying that I do want you to, not saying that I don't. I'm just expressing how I feel, I just want it all figured out in the event I must confront my feelings. That is all.

Sometimes, you reach a point when saying it constantly isn't enough...cause you actually start to believe it. I personally took what you said to offense today; hearing the words fag, gay, retarded just make me cringe. I hate overhearing/reading someone use it as a negative way to describe someone, it honestly gets me upset. To be perfectly honest though, in the past I was guilty of doing that too, but now it just doesn't feel right (which obviously it isn't).

And in other cases, once a thought begins to linger around in your mind, you can't seem to forget it. You constantly find yourself going back to that thought, and over analyzing it. You start to grow a strong opinion about it and you start to grow emotions towards it, or the idea of it. Yeah? Well atleast that's how it is for me.

I believe that God sends out signals...opportunities for you to further better yourself. For example, I know that he puts you and I in situations to allow me to get to know you better--without judging. These workshops aren't just for the benefit of the 9ers, but for us too. I really believe that senior year will be a bonding experience. Coming together to mentor 9ers, leadership groups, PROM committee. It's nice to get to know your peers a little more, you feel more fulfilled and just darn good just saying hi to one another in the hallways.

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”

— Mother Teresa

"Do you believe that you will honestly make a difference in the world? If so, cross the line..." I teared up a little and stood still.
But over the course of a year I think, I feel the total opposite. Realizing the impact I make on peoples' lives is a rewarding feeling. I think that I will make a difference in this world by just being a helpful hand, or someone to confide in. I like to listen to others and helping them as much as I can. Being a leader and helping out by being a "Big Sis" to others gives me such joy. And I can only anticipate the year ahead (: I have also found this new confidence that I have developed within myself over the past 3 years (wow just looking back on my niner dayss). ESP, YFC, Big Bro & Big Sis Program...Sounds good.

2) And sometimes the mystery of the future makes it worth waiting for ;p
"Focus on your work, and everything will fall into place." - the wise lessons of OTH (:

This stuff is new.
This stuff is fun.
Really thankful and truly blessed for my life, everyone in it, and the opportunities that God has presented before me (:

Secondly, yo Ne-yo gets me! lool
See the problem is the more I fight it
The harder it gets to deny it
And everything in me wants to be with you
But I've seen where love can leave you devastated
So everyday I look in the mirror and i say this

[Chorus]
I tell myself I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be in love
Don't wanna be, I don't wanna be in love
'Cause I know what it is, and i know what it does
So I don't wanna be in love
Right now it was too much
Said I don't wanna be in love
- I really do believe in the possibility that I am fighting my feelings. I went from "wanting and feeling the need to be IN LOVE" to feeling that it is too complicated; you could say that now I FEAR it. I don't know how it's supposed to feel like. Surely I am not saying that I'm close, but at the very thought of possibly of having "feelings" or not...scares me. Let it be--I guess. I am in so much doubt and denial that I don't even tell other people about my feelings. It's just because I don't wanna mention something that doesn't exist (or at least in my mind). I don't want that thought (whether or not it's obvious) to linger in their minds, I just want things to happen. I don't know what I want, and I can't assume an outcome; I am just refraining from anything interfering with the situation in any way--at least that way I know it ended in the way it was supposed to without interferences (in favor or not).