It's called effort.
Gotta put it in to get results.
“Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.”
“What is not started today is never finished tomorrow.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
“Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit.” Napolean Hill
“If you can't excel with talent, triumph with effort.” Dave Weinbaum
"The strength of the effort is the measure of the result” James Allen

(first period rant, 9:45AMish?)
I think my decision was already made a moment after I heard about it. First was shock, then my mind was already made up. I don't know who I'm trying to convince-- them, or myself. Well, I've been looking forward to this. Count Your Blessings. You can't always drop things and pick and choose. Yeah the situation has some unfortunate aspects--but very little ones. If anything, I'll make it work. Just to let y'all know, you'll do what you gotta do, or wanna do. It reflects you not me. Because if it's such a big deal to me not to be associated with that decision; then I won't be--because I'm not making that decision. Judge as you want, criticize me as you want..but DOWN TO EARTH--I am. I'm not going against my word to you two, and I'm not even alone, so I'll survive. No one said it's gonna be easy. Let me stick to my word--opinion. Let me prove it to myself. I am NOT ready to let down those who believe in me--and there's no way in hell that I'm ready to disappoint myself either.

(endday, 2:45PMish?)
You don't even know how happy I was to here you say that. Even though it was my set decision from time. It was alot more reassuring and calming to hear how excited you were with what I decided! This is why youre my bestfriend (: It just made me feel more confident in my decision which I can proudly say was motivated by my own beliefs and opinion. Because I refuse to do things that arent true to how I feel. And I'm so proud that I'm doing me.

You guys got me. When in doubt, today you guys stuck by me (: And it reminded me that you guys are there for me--to keep me company and talk to. You guys helped me survive through a day that couldda well ended up being HORRIBLE! I love you guys fo'reaaals ♥
Don't even intend you guys to see this but might as well shout you out, Kevin & Jenn :D

Gotta let go of what we never had.
Gotta let go of this feeling--the hunger of someone to be with, the want to be someone's "more".
I'm not lonely or anything--I got my fam <3
But i guess it's just the curiosity of my capability to be THAT PERSON in someone's life.
The curiosity of what it feels like.
Just an experience--that's all.
But I won't sell myself short, because if it's taking this long to find, it MUST be worth the wait.
I want my first to make an impact on my life.
I want my first to mean something. I want something real--something genuine. I don't want to settle for something that will just cause me pain. Something that only occured for the sake of knowing what it feels like. Trust, I will wait. Not waiting for perfection, because it doesn't exist. But something that I can have faith in to be strong.

Gotta step my game up, I refuse to be the weakest link.
Let go, hit hard.

I admit the fear turned into excitement yesterday. I finally felt that I can get somewhere that I wanted to be. Nobody said it would be easy, I'm still new at this...I know. I feel I have to try extra hard to level up to the rest, and imma tell you right now--I will. Because what joy it brings to my face to be a part of it--nothing can compare. From now on I'm gonna put all that I am on that floor and show people what determination can do, what hard work can achieve, show them what it looks like to achieve your goal, and that NOTHING is impossible.

Forget About Me I Love You ♥

All after getting to talk it out and my confusion and frustration towards you turned into relief, understanding, and a smile to my face (:
Though.....now
I look at you with a *sigh*. Not that I wish we were more, but being bummed that I couldn't be more--someone else's "more".

"Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant. But it's very important that you do it. I tend to agree with the first part." Tyler Hawkins

"If you could hear me, I would say that our finger prints don't fade from the lives we've touched." Tyler Hawkins

How can I be mad? Darn, I'm pretty lucky. Just had to open my damn eyes! Got 'em all right here. You guys keep me company, how can I not smile w/ you guys!
love y'all ♥

I hate how you just "don't reply" like chill WHY SO SERIOUS?! like f'real. Even if I'm the one that needs to chill, and it's just bad timing...well, THAT'S why talking online is complicated :S fml. ah screw, I don't get you. You can say stuff like that...but I can't? FLOP, FLOP, FLOP :(

^aaah I spazz alot. Gosh I needa chill. Well I only felt that for a while.

first time calling up a boy
first time confronting the situation
first time being straight up about my feelings
first time not running away
all lead from the first time I was treated that way
first time I have ever had these feelings
first time someone held my hand
first time someone kissed me on the cheek
first time someone held me close
first time someone embraced me till I fell asleep
first time I felt special in THAT way
first time I realized that I am infatuated--not genuine at all.
first time I could fully tell that everything between us happened for a reason.
first time I'm stepping up instead of stepping down
first time I'm not avoiding the situation
first time I know I HAVE to talk to you
first time I know I have to do something to stop this from replaying (3rd times is the charm)
first time I know I won't let this slip, let this do downhill because of my fear of speaking up
first time I refuse to let the hurt overcome when it is far from what we wanted
first time it seemed we had the making of a cute "story", but knew that it was truly not
first time I actually feel like I'm growing up--things are changing.

' ohяuss; says:
WE MIGHT HAVE A SPARE TOGETHER
jayne; yous a naughtygirl.
jaynefsho. says:
baaadaasssss is a better term
' ohяuss; says:
LOL.
nawbee.
im badass; i hang with black people
hows your boyfriend doing.
jaynefsho. says:
heeey im baddas cuz i'm black on the inside!
he's fine..i just dont know where he is..or what he looks like
but i know he must be doing fine (:
' ohяuss; says:
no;
youre white on the inside.
realtalks.
tell your boyfriend; he better treat you right
or im gnna knock him D:
jaynefsho. says:
i will..once i find him
hes like hiding in a bush of something atm! xD

I hate that you make me feel like this. What is this..the 3rd consecutive time this type of situation [more serious as the parties go by], these feelings have come back to bite me in the ass?! Ah, I hate it. but the the thing is I don't hate you. Bleh both of you :( I just wanna be like "Fck YOU" :( why must I fall so hard. I cared too much that you would see me at my worst--when deeply part of it was because of you and how I felt. Why am I so darn depressing. I wasn't even bullshiting...I just had a breakdown. I wasn't being EXXTRAA emotional..it was just my true feelings coming out all at once. I don't wanna be once of "THEM" one of those who act out for "fun" or "attention". I don't wanna act like a dumbass. I didn't want to add to the problem. Therefore I obviously tried to take the blame that I was partially part of it [which made me breakdown more]. Yeah I'm soft but obviously I still feel partly responsible because I needed people to take care of me. But it was too late--it already hit me and I couldn't hide it. So what did I do?...bolted for the door. I needed to get outta there--I needed air. I hate that being with you brings so much joy to my face. I hate that it's even obvious to everyone else that someTING is going on--but in reality there is nothing like all. shit what AM I doing? like fck. It's not like I don't like being treated like that--I do. It's cause I've never been before, gaaawsh I'm a friggen succkaa -.- I hate all the "regret" or "added confusion" I feel at the end of the day. I'm glad to see you, be with you when we can be--but then as I look at pictures or just think over the day...all that comes to mind is "bullshit". I want to see you, but I rather not. As each event comes by and I'm glad to see you, I stuck feeling the same way, the same things happen, I'm attracted to you more, then I get even more confused about my damn feelings. This in infatuation. I like being with you, but I don't LIKE-YOU LIKE-YOU. It's odd though cause I know I easily can. Why does all this shit have to be so damn confusing. It just makes you lose interest. Like you, I swear when we talk it's bullshit too. Why is it always me trying so hard. And I actually believe that I learned from my mistake of "taking things in" too much to be more than they are. Yet I find myself in the same place. I think your actions are changing--we're getitng closer--there is more hope. But no, no cigar. Like really, why get my damn hopes up. Cuz it's so hard not too when we talk. But damn then I should bun you all together! "Apologize" my ass. Like shit. Can you be straight up, I'm not willing to play this game anymore :( Takes up too much time--too much of my emotions. But I stay as long as I can...believeing in us...being hopeful...just because it took a while to build and it's not that easy to find anything like it [the lowest rank it already is].

Lost in a dream
I don't know which way to go
A-let me say, if you are all that you seem
Then, baby, I'm movin' way too slow
I've been fooled before
Wouldn't like to get my love
Caught in the slammin' door
How about some information, please?

(Chorus:)
Straight up, now tell me
Do you really wanna love me forever
Oh, oh, oh
Or am I caught in a hit-and-run?
Straight up, now tell me
Is it gonna be you and me together
Oh, oh, oh
Or are you just havin' fun?

so today I just came home from sleeping over @ Edri's after her surprise 17th bday partaay at her new house! what a liiive long ass time spent w/ these ppl. I swear, everything that could have possibly happened--happened. It was really fun, especially sleeping over. wow this chillage was so NEEDED lol. Took a stroll in the middle of the night...in then rain; brokedown and started acting like a retard; sleptover... that kinda failed cuz I DID NOT FALL ASLEEP till atleast 30minutes before we all officially woke up! friggen 7AM I went to sleep when everybody else were gone @ 5:30AM; 4AM raid of leftovers!; camwhoring; eating; poker-ing; magic trick-ing; dancing; talking onthereals. live ass day, we will dominate March Break 2010! lmfao

Of all in which ways you are attractive I find one flaw--one that is not from you at all. It's the unattractive side of the situation in which I don't get what I want. The unattractive thing is not getting the emotions returned. It's not you--it's the fact that I lack someone to make me feel that way. I like how you're at school and you're the red to the blue. The one I can happily see everyday--if I get the chance; the one I can see doing what they love; the one I can see smile; the one I can hug to greet; the one that opens up the doors to possibilities of unforgettable moments; the one I can be excited to see; the one I can approach and talk to for a while. The unattractive aspect of us is that there is no us. It's the fact that this doesn't really grow into more than it already is. That's okay--right person, right time...right? I guess I figured out that you're not that person, but still a cool guy nonetheless. Keep it real.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired
It's you that I'm missing (8)

What I feel for you is quite interesting. yeah yeah, you tend to be the inspiration of my blog post--quite a bit. And I tend to be very repetitive in what I say, and how I feel but I can't help it...nothing has changed. I think I have a hunger for something (and no its not food for once); but one for smiles, for something to look forward to, for new experiences, for someone to talk to, for someone to care, for someone or something to keep me busy. Got that resume ready btw, and planning to go job hunting real soon. ANYWAYS, I seem to find myself thinking about you both. One for as long as I can remember but never seemed to progress with. I like talking to you--seeing as I don't get to see you at all. You bring a smile to my face, even if you don't mean to (weird). March Break plans? I hope so. The other one, is one I like to see and hang with...but we don't talk onthereals. I wanna get to know you more, you have this quality that seems just to attract people. You're just the freshest ting I see. You're artistic, I can definitely see that--its cool. In more ways than one, you seem genuine. I just know for a fact you know what you're talking about, and will make someone quite lucky in the future. Keep doing what you do.

iunnoe lately I've been more happier? I don't know LOL. Um, is it the weather. I think the sunshine in the winter makes me happy :P I think I finally hit that point when I'm just chill...not so uptight? Well things are cool, I get to hang out with other ppl too now cause of my classes--it's nice. Talking w/ certain people (blue and red lol) just seem to make me happy. Yeah this post sounds whack but ohwell...I'm just sm:)ey.

Is it wrong to actually feel so strong about something, that it actually turns into belief that it can happen freal? I know this is a weird comparison but I just watched the guy on American Idol last night. I see these guys who performed last week, and they were so terrified and nervous--it showed. But this week...WHAT AN IMPROVEMENT by them just taking the criticism and seriously changing their mindset by just BELIEVING they belong on that stage--and that mindset made such a huge difference to their performance. I Believe(as cheesy as it may sound)

Cause everybody knows that nobody really knows
How to make it work or how to ease the hurt
We've heard it all before everybody knows just how to make it right (8)

inspired. I look up to you, but you probably don't know it. You seem to hold yourself together so well. You're so chill. And no, I'm not jealous, or envious actually...I'm just happy to see you do your thing. You give me a hope with your positive attitude and the constant sm:)e on your face. You don't let people, or outcomes bring you down. You got talent, and you're proud to show it. Proud and hardworking--not cocky. You're definitely a cool chick to be around, and I'm routing' for ya love (: