personal flaw: As much as I try to convince myself otherwise and say "IDGAF", I live in paranoia of judgement from others. I care too much what you'll think when you read it and if it effects your treament towards me :(

I care too damn much!

Only reason I feel safe here is because I know no one will read it. "Why not get a diary then?" "Because I fuckin hate my penmanship especially when I'm, emotional and in eager need to vent!"

I know no one uses this anymore and I"m sure no one will ever see this...and I'm more than fine with that.

I just can't help but VENT. I must!

I hate myself for being so hopelessly blind. I know I put you on this pedestal and as cheesy as it sounds I wait for OUR destined happily ever after. I try to control our fate, in dear belief that the universe is in our favour. I'm weak, and when it comes to you...I'm no different. I take every good moment and I hang on--I find infinite happiness with thoughts of you. It's ridiculous.

I try not to brag to all my friends about you, but I think its my desire for human attraction that causes me to take us into something bigger than we are (atleast yo me). I feel the lack of interest and experience in my life causes me to hang on to the little things, in fear that nothing better will come along. With a high hopeful voice, theses stories give them hope and faith in me as well. Sorry. I say I don't wanna "jinx" it, but freal, I am entitled ti tel my friends how I'm feeling when it comes to you.

- I have no idea...whatsoever, how you feel about me now nor do I know how you felt about me for the past 12 years I've known you.
- Why do I remain in-like with you? You were my first crush, and you remain stored in the back of my mind for the next 10 years after you moved away. We were able to reunite on only 2 occasions...sadly.

But there's something about you and our memories and conversations that lead me to believe that there lies something worth waiting for...

- I hate that I'm holding on to something that was never mine! I can't seem to let go.
- I don't want to regret my decision to leave or stay, this is when my untimate flaw comes into play. I overthink EVERYTHING, and I continue to lie to myself in an effort to be convinced that it'll all be worth it. I overthink my messages to you, I overanalyze your responses, I tell myself that you have reaasssons to not message me--but the truth is plainly...IF YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME, YOU WOULD. Followed by the thought that "its inevitable that if you miss someone you would holla" However, in turn, I am faced with the reminder that that isn't set in stone because I fail to do that exact gesture--I miss you but don't do shit about it. I just sit here, venting my feelings into the keyboard and telling my friends of the goodtimes. I have too much faith.

But I can never tell you. You don't understand how I feel. Why? Because I never told you--and I don't plan on it anytime soon. And thus, here I remain...no progress.

Mindset: DEADLINE (based on our experiences thus far) will be the end of summer vacacy 2012.

My weekend was the most beautiful weekend that I have experienced in a long time...
Went to Household Training in Sauga (: And it was truely proven that sometimes without any expectations or knowledge ahead-of-time, an experience can be quite worthwhile! Bonded like a family with my brothers and sisters, and it honestly felt so refreshing (:
Besides that, I also learned what I meant to this guy I used to know. I was always curious to know what was going on through his mind during the time we spent together, and now its a little bit clearer. I was sort of a phase a person someone sort of goes through to find out their true feelings and to learn something about themselves. This happened on more than one occasion, but to finally know he actually did like me...makes me feel kinda nice. I'm used to being so close yet so far when it comes to relationships, but I'm okay with that because it's all in God's time.

As I returned back to school, a brother told me how I was getting compliments and I didn't even know it. "They said you're preeety!" omg LOL and talking about me and how i'm single and how it was a surprise to them. Smiles all around yo, it's just nice to feel acknowledged once in a while yenno (; "legenday".

The next day, after eating out for dinner with the family [kuya was mia :(], we ended up watching Thor! Omg another thing that I had no knowledge of just made my night that much better :P The main love interst to Thor was a girl named Jane, and I've come to realize that the mortal who falls in love with the unexpected hero is always Jane! Haha just like Spider-man (: My sister even says the name Jane makes her think of a very independant person. Not to mention, the whole time through this 3D movie I was making major eactions and clapping and jumpping up and down on my seat! Lol i loved it, and my dad thinks I'm like guys watching games in a bar--all rowty, and if I were there I would be breaking bottles! omgawsh, I love my dad :D

Out of curiosity, I go home and look up the meaning of Jane and it's not as plain or simple as I thought, it is defined as classic and timeless, haha legenday (; In addition, it means "God's grace" (:

Lastly, with all this hapening, I'm listening to this cover of a song--your song. Wow you came to mind because it was your choreo, your dance and I remember how we shared those moments together...you had an effect on my life fsho.